One Of My Favorite Quotes
You may wonder, how? The real question is how not?
“A man needs a woman like a fish needs a bicycle” is one of the best analogies I have ever heard. Not only is this statement completely incomprehensible but it’s also misinformed. I will explain why, for that very reason, this sentence is fantastic! First of all, fish don’t need bikes, they’ve got their own means of conveyance. It’s called current. Also, fish need water to live. Have you ever gotten your bike wet? Good luck getting upstream with a rusty chain. Attention all wannabe bipedal fish: If a rust bucket paperweight is your dream, you might as well absorb all the mercury you can and turn belly up. Pathetic.
Conversely, it is a true fact that every man needs a woman. Guys are pigs. They’re gross. They eat gruel and fart and stir up trouble. Women are clean and well-mannered. Women are the world’s great equalizers. When dudes are rowdy, chicks calm them down. When the fellas are just kicking it and chillin, the ladies come into the room screaming. If it were up to men, nothing would get done. Lawns would go unmowed; gifts would go unwrapped, TVs would be watched. If it were up to women, well, I don’t want to think about that.
To be perfectly honest, the only reason I’m writing this is because a woman is standing behind me with her finger on the trigger of a very sawed off shotgun. Women take life seriously. They’ve got things to do and people to do and guns to point. And that’s ok with me. If I didn’t have a strong motivational woman behind telling me to get up and get going, I probably wouldn’t. What kind of life would that be? That would be like a fish with a bicycle and that’s no good for everybody. Regardless of what the statement says, I still like it.
Versus:Good Relationship vs. Bad Relationship
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. It's what separates dogs from other animals.
I am no expert in the area, but I’ve been around the block once…if you know what I mean;) I’m talking about commitment. Sure, weird things happen in that “honeymoon” phase, but once you’ve moved on, you have to decide whether or not your partner(s)/animal/fetish is going to make it the long haul. Do you think you’re ready to take the plunge? See how your relationship habits stack up. The following list pits the signs of a good relationship versus the signs of a bad relationship against each other to determine why all your relationships fail miserably.
Know Thy Self:
Knowing what kind of person you are will determine what kind of person you are looking for in a relationship. Do have goals and ambitions? Are you happy being a flake? If you haven’t the faintest clue who you are or who you want to be, may God have mercy on us all. Solid understanding of yourself provides you with the confidence and wherewithal to make healthy decisions that might otherwise demise your partnership.
| Signs of a Good Relationship | Signs of a Bad Relationship |
| Listen for phrases like:-“I want to grow with you”
-“Let’s compromise” -“I love you for who you are” -“Yeah, I’m ticklish” |
Look for insincere and extremely repetitive use of these generic phrases:-“I’m sorry”
- “You complete me/You are my rock” - “Let’s never fight” - “I don’t care. What do you want to do?” |
Opposites Attract:
Differences in personalities, likes, and dislikes all provide fuel for your love fire. Part of a good relationship is the ability to grow together, not apart. When people have competing ideas and meet challenges together, compromise is born.
Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship -Your partner has inspired you to try new things-You and your partner work through problems together -You are open to your partner’s ideas
-You hate morning breath and long toe nails-You love drugs, your partner is sober umpteen years -You’re a cat person, your partner eats cats
Shared Responsibility:
Understanding that a relationship is a reciprocal cycle of give and take will help you navigate your way into a happy future. If you’re unable to get your share of the work done because you’re bending over backwards to pick up his/her slack, you’re going to have issues.
| Signs of a Good Relationship | Signs of a Bad Relationship |
| -Your relationship feels like a team-When you come home from work and your partner has been home all day, the house is clean and vice versa
-You ask if you can help the other person and vice versa |
-You think work is for suckers-You’re exhausted from getting too much sleep
-You don’t mind a dirty house -You’re chiropractor says bending over backwards all of the time is taking a toll on your lumbar (also, You do all of the work) |
Same Page:
Sometimes opposites attract, but you’d better like at least some of the same things as your best gal/beau otherwise your relation-ship is sunk. You might sit on opposite sides of the political aisle, but if his/her dream is to be a senator, then you’d better be heading up the campaign.
Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship -You are interested with your partner’s life outside of your relationship-You ask questions -You actively listen
-You like VH1 and s/he hates TV-You like to get faded at da’ club and s/he likes reading the poetry at the café -You like butt sex and s/he has hemorrhoids (rectum, damn near killed ‘em).
Future Plans:
S/he sees kids your future, but you see a boat? Yeah, maybe it’s time to talk. If your partner isn’t visible in your five-year-plan, maybe it’s time to rethink who your future includes.
| Signs of a Good Relationship | Signs of a Bad Relationship |
| -You’ve talked with your partner about the future-You have similar goals for the future (own a house in a year, own a dog in two years, add a 2nd dog in two and a half years)
-You can see yourself growing old with your partner |
-You squander away your money and your partner’s money-Your partner is nonexistent in your future plans
-Marriage is not for you -You’re in prison |
Communication:
Some people fight to win and others fight to
share information. The ability to effectively exchange ideas with each other while maintaining respect is paramount to a relationship.
Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship -You feel like you’re with your best friend-You talk -You listen
-You eat dinner in front of the TV-You’d rather your partner keep it down then you listen up -When you talk, you can’t get a word in edge wise
There’s someone Else:
You talk until all hours of the night. You think about him/her all of the time. His/her d*ck is so young and thick. You long to be together day and night. If these are sentiments you hold for someone other than your partner, it’s time to break it off.
| Signs of a Good Relationship | Signs of a Bad Relationship |
| -There is no one else but your partner-You are seriously considering marriage
-Soul mate is an understatement |
-There’s someone else-You stare at anything in tight jeans that walks by
-You love him/her, but you’re not in love |
Sexy Time:
Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but it is significant. If you’re coming back for more after all this time, chances are things are looking bright.
Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship -You and your partner have sex at least once every week or so-You love to give and receive -You and your partner talk about and sometimes act out fantasies and turn-ons
-You don’t know what your partner looks like naked-Your pubic area is overgrown and overwhelmingly odoriferous -Masturbation is better for you
-Your safe word is “rape”
Recognizing and implementing some of these good signs in your relationship is sure to give you the boost you’ll need to make it with that special someone. If something’s wrong, however, chances are it’s you. Get yourself in shape and try again. There’s no sense in ruining somebody else’s life (and credit) because you’re a selfish jerk. That’s not what a good relationship is about.
What Are You Selling?
I used to work for a property management company. I leased apartments to suckers. It was a sales job and I effen hated it. I used to run home in tears from the monotony of pushing some serious units. Now usually, I’m not a quitter (Read: I am a quitter with a huge, meaty vagina), but in this case, I wanted out. However, I was afraid to quit, and I didn’t know how to tell the management I needed something else. Fortunately for me and my lady parts (see about engorged vag above), the company decided to sell the property. I felt it was the best time to get out without giving a two week notice or telling anyone that I was unhappy, thus saving myself the trouble of embarrassment. It was through this experience that I learned something about sales that I would like to share with you today. Through leasing these sh*tty apartments, I learned that for the most part, two things are true: 1.) Sales are apart of every job, and 2.) Unless you sell something that you really love, you are going to loathe it. To combat this you need to love yourself and sell a product that everyone wants: you.
Take a moment and consider every job you can think of. Time! What d’ya come up with? At some point in all of those positions, you are going to be selling either a product, an idea, or yourself. Businessmen sell ideas and products to investors and clients. Teachers sell drugs to kids. Hookers sell their bodies to businessmen for drugs. And even if a job doesn’t directly entail some salesmanship, when you apply for that job, you are still selling your skill set to the employer. You are a product of a material world. Luckily it pays cash. Cold, hard cash. You have to be a provider, right? If you don’t provide for yourself, you’re going to die sooner rather than later. Remember all of those trinkets/candy bars/books/carpet samples you sold as a kid? The system was priming you for the dog eat dog arena known as life. Now rather than fight this reality (something I tried and it made me really angry; remember my tears?), you’ll need to embrace it.
Once you accept that you have to participate in a competitive world (which is something you have little choice over), then your survival depends on selling something you love. For some folks, it’s the love selling sh*tty apartments. For some, it’s selling their bodies. For everyone, it’s selling yourself. This is a task that takes a great amount of energy and self love. (I have to point out it’s not the kind of self love that 5 minutes alone at the computer in an empty house with a bottle of Jergen’s and box of Kleenex can provide.) You have to really like yourself. If you don’t love what you’re selling, you’re going to hate the job. If you hate what you’re selling and you are the product, you are going to hate yourself. When you hate yourself or your image or your skill set, your buyers are going to recognize that and reject you. If you are rejected by someone else, you’ll feel even worse about yourself. The truth is, no matter how much you love yourself, you’re going to be rejected…a lot. With the aide of self love, however, coming back from rejection is easier to do.
The cruel reality of this is that the world you live in is unjust and unfair. Somewhere down the road, the key to your chance at personal success is held by another person. Did you read that? Your success is controlled by someone else! That sucks big, old, hairy gorilla balls! To be happy you can do and act and say whatever you want but you cannot control what other people think of you or how they react to you. You do have the ability to control your attitude, however. Your ability to sell yourself as a confident and hungry person is paramount to your personal success and happiness. If other people aren’t buying it, they can eat a bag of d*cks. There are many opportunities out there because people are always buying and it’s not hard to find them. Buyers will buy you because they like you for who you are so long as you like you for who you are.
Sales is a brutal business and is impossible to escape. If you’re not selling the filth you are absolutely passionate about, you are SOL my friend. Your happiness and self satisfaction depends on it. Your ability to sell yourself is one based out of the love that you have for yourself. You’re ego is going to be beaten and bruised along the way, but remembering what is really important to you will keep you on your horse. If you can’t manage to do that, you might as well pull the trigger now and save yourself the trouble.
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