Nicknames

Yesterday I was riding in a car with my friends Ty and Chris. Everyone knows Ty and has called him Tito since high school. One time his dad f*cked up and called him T-Bone. Luckily it never stuck. In college, Ty proclaimed himself as the Spoon and then eventually the Mayor. This came after he Youtubed three hours of old McDonald’s commercials featuring Mayor McCheese. He loved it. These days, I call him Ty D but he prefers T. Jackson or The Hate F*ck (it was his facebook name until it was censored) or The Ol’ Boy. Whatever you call him, he is a lovely and fair skinned gentleman.

Chris, who was also in the car, was once known as Dolph Lundgren after his uncanny resemblance to the Siberian Bull from the movie Rocky IV. Recently and unknowingly he was nicknamed Carrots by my wife, J-Dubs. J-Dubs has been called Wooten or Hot Pants and J Maz.  She has a myriad of friends like Skirt Steak and Droopy Nipple. Droopy Nipple used to work at Applebee’s where she rated highest in customer satisfaction. Apparently, her tips reflected her performance and she became known as Boosty Tipple or BT for short which evolved into Burny Tits and then Swink.

My other friend is Sizzle Bok who dressed as a Mexican named Johnny Gomez for a costume party. My brother is Milhouse, Milkill, Milshoe, Shoe, Shoehouse, Millie and, from a misspelling on his high school letter jacket, Millhouse.  I know Jim Jam and Rik.  I have a friend Jake the Snake.  One named J. Pa. and Blum (sounds like bloom).  Blum hangs out with Nelson and Steve B.  Gary is one.  Teens is another.  Goldy, Chesty and Slitty Wrists.  S Mas and his son, X Mas.  J Leezy for sheezy.  Drary.  The Boss, Champ or Curty.  Petey and Wheels and Lamby Poo.  Jay Nev. Teddy Po.  I saw J.R. Swish on TV.  Oh, and for me…they call me Wolsamnoraa (not really, though) which is part Russian and, as I found out today from my mother and her husband, Papa Paul, part French which translates as Special Boy.  And that’s all I can think of right now.  Did I miss one?  Fill me in.

This is where I got the name McStainy. My dry cleaner, Mr. Wong, is such a goof.

10 Reasons I’ve Ever Been Scared

I took a picture of my perineum using a mirror. This isn't it.

There are a lot of things out there that keep me indoors and away from windows.  My life revolves around avoiding things that scare me and wearing hair nets.  As much as I’ve tried to overcome some of my most basic fears, I always find ways to reinforce them.  The following is a compilation of the 10 worst times I’ve ever been scared:

10.  My poop turned blue for three days after eating TCBY’s Arthur the Aardvark’s Cotton Candy flavored frozen yogurt.

9.  After snapping some voyeuristic pictures behind a circus tent, I was mauled by a black bear.

8.  I was unable to take back a pair of denim jeans at the Gap.  Now I just keep things.

7.  I got a bee sting on my boner. (Thank you, Johnny & J-Pa)

6.  I cut my perineum (see left; “incision”) on a barbed-wire fence while tobogganing in France.  I had to wear a heavy flow maxi-pad for a week.  (And that’s the closest I’ve ever been to a woman.)

5.  I was held at knife point at a McDonald’s drive-thru for sarcastically ordering a “Crappy Meal”.

4.  I held a pee in so long playing the drinking game Edward Forty Hands that urine sprayed out of my nipples.

3.  My mother adopted me from my grandmother.

2.  Thinking I had found the last morsel of food in my house, I once ate a lot of cat food.

-And Finally-

1.  A maniacal and murderous clown named Adam who lives in a brightly colored  school bus parked in a mountain meadow is stalking me via MySpace.  (My real name is Liz)