10 Reasons You’re Here

This takes the phrase "baby dumps" to a whole new level.

Sometimes you wake up in a dingy hotel room soaked in hooker juices and vomit and you wonder, “How in the world did I get here?”  While this is a valid question, the word “here” reaches above and beyond your current predicament.  The mere fact that you exist at all is interesting in itself.  These 10 reasons explain the lucky fortunes that befell you on your road to being “here” (where ever that may be):

10. Your father was spreading his seed during the War.

9. Your mother was a whore.

8.  The gentleman operating the coat-hanger apparatus botched the abortion.

7. You chewed threw the garbage bag that was to be your casket and survived on the contents of a China man’s dumpster.

6. Until your mid-teens, you were raised by a small team of success driven rats.

5. You earned a decent wage soliciting sex from bar hopping youngsters who struck out during regular bar business hours.

4. Using the lessons taught to you by your rat kin, you turned your hard earned money into drugs and nesting materials.

3. On a quest to stardom and fame, you sought a career as a Hollywood actor (possibly to find your real parents?).

2.  Unknowingly, you were cast in the movie “Saw VIII: Jigsaw’s Outtakes–Sluts, Gays, and Krab Cakes”.

-And, Finally-

1. Years of smoking methamphetamine have left you toothless, talentless, and desperate.   The mob takes care of you in the only way the mob can; this time, however, you are unable to gnaw your way through the garbage bag that is to be your final resting place.

 

Do you feel that I may have missed a detail in your coming to be?  Please feel free to share in the comment section…

10 Reasons I Get Up In The Morning

“Chop wood naked”

There is seldom a time when I just pop out of bed.  The anticipation that most days will undoubtedly drag on with mindless chores and endless Charles In Charge reruns justifies at least a half dozen strikes of the snooze button.  Some days, however, have potential to be the best damn days I’ve ever seen.  When I was a kid, for example, I don’t think I was able to sleep a wink the night before Christmas and I’m a big, fat Jew.  I just love something about those elves…I think it’s what landed me on the federal child sex offender list (talk about a reason to get up…all those little minors).  Here is a list of ten other reasons that give me a rise in the morning:

10. Breakfast…Yeah, breakfast has it all and it’s absolutely worth getting up for.  Not only is it the most important meal of the day, it’s the meal that keeps on giving.  Typical breakfast fare (cereal, eggs, bacon, pizza, milk shakes) account for over ninety-two percent of my daily calorie intake.  The other eight percent…cat food sandwiches.

9. Cat’s Hungry…Tookie’s my cat and he get’s hungry for breakfast, too.  Unfortunately, in the animal kingdom there aren’t nice little cravings to remind you that you’re hungry.  What Tookie has are urges (usually for flesh).  He keeps what he kills, and today it’s Friskie’s.  Some days I just wish he’d learn to sharpen his claws opening cans of cat food instead of my face.  He’s a real cutie.

8. Internet Porn…It’s free of charge and as viscous as milk.  Internet porn (or pornography for art) changes so often, if you see the same video twice in your lifetime, well sir, that’s amazing.  The other thing that gets me jazzed before I get jizzed is that you never know when you’ll be hit with the urge to splurge. It’s usually when I’m at the mall or a day care.  Thank God for the 3G network.

7. Court Date…(see above)  Sucks.  Don’t even get me started on the parole hearings…who the hell is up before 10 in the A.M?  Lawyers, that’s what.

6.  Vacation…It’s worth getting out of bed in tropical paradise when the hotel room is hotter than a jungle and it’s as humid as the ocean.  Nothing says “seize the day and explore the world”  like swatting at mosquitoes the size of small owls in your room.

5.  Bachelor Party…Get up?  I never went to bed.   Besides, I can’t trust a bunch of dudes that get drunk, strip down to their dicks and ass, endlessly chant “chop wood naked”, and dance around an open fire pit.  I couldn’t make this stuff up.

4.  Halloween…It’s like a modern-day Christmas.  Free candy…check.  Ghosts and ghouls…check.  Slutty girls dressed in nothing…check and check.  Halloween Eve (or Hallow’s Eve Eve as the Christ lovers exult) is like waiting for your son to be born…so you can finally touch him (see above).

3.  Election Day…It’s the only day I know of that I get to choose which minority I sympathize with the most without giving money, the blacks or the retards.

2.  Beer…If I know I’m going to be drinking at any point during the day, you can bet your sweet, fat ass I’m waking up.  Put it in my coffee!

-And Finally-

1.  Work…I f*cking hate work.  I f*cking hate it!

10 Axioms To Live By

We’ve all ventured out into the expanses of the world gleefully returning full of knowledge.  Such life lessons always prove to be invigorating and help guide us through life’s meaningless journies.   Here are 10 tidbits that I’ve picked up along the way that I remember everyday:

He ate a bunch of rabies-filled clams and wants a kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. “Wild animals don’t make good house pets” – We tried keeping a wild raccoon once.  His name was Ricki; Ricki the Raccoon.  He ate all of our mollusks and gave our cat the worms.

9. “Rock always beats scissors” – I learned this the hard way…watching a Bud Light commercial.

8. “Poop stays in the toilet” – It certainly does not belong in my hands or mouth.  It took me months to get the stains out of my moustache.

7. “Gay-for-pay is straight” – Life is about doing what you love, not loving what you do.  Don’t define yourself based on one experience you had during your “best years”.  You’ll just end up confused; ass-a-throbin’.

6. “Pack it in, pack it out” – Showing respect for the world outside of yourself will convey just how incredibly unselfish you are.  And isn’t that what it’s about…You?

5. “Cock, step, punch” – I learned this playing high school football.  You have to stay low and maintain good technique.  Don’t forget to throw out some “pass” and “ball” calls, too.

4. “If she looks like a man and she talks like a man, she’s alright with me” – Expanding your horizons starts with accepting people for who they are, who they’re not, and who you thought they think that they thought you were.

3. “Two hands when you’re learning” (thanks Brandon!) – Whether it’s riding a bike or dishing out your first “blowie”, two hands when you’re learning will keep you working hard towards your goals.

2. “Always come prepared” – Preparation is the key to success.  Just like bringing a joke book to a gun fight, kids are a terrible mistake.  Wrap your (or your partner’s) ding dong up in a condom and you’ll avoid my mother’s 3rd and 4th mistakes (me and my twin)

-And Finally-

1. “There’s no such thing as too much lube” – Designated lubricants like veggie oil, silicon based slickers, lotion, spit and telephone books all exponentially increase fun.

10 Reasons I’ve Ever Been Scared

I took a picture of my perineum using a mirror. This isn't it.

There are a lot of things out there that keep me indoors and away from windows.  My life revolves around avoiding things that scare me and wearing hair nets.  As much as I’ve tried to overcome some of my most basic fears, I always find ways to reinforce them.  The following is a compilation of the 10 worst times I’ve ever been scared:

10.  My poop turned blue for three days after eating TCBY’s Arthur the Aardvark’s Cotton Candy flavored frozen yogurt.

9.  After snapping some voyeuristic pictures behind a circus tent, I was mauled by a black bear.

8.  I was unable to take back a pair of denim jeans at the Gap.  Now I just keep things.

7.  I got a bee sting on my boner. (Thank you, Johnny & J-Pa)

6.  I cut my perineum (see left; “incision”) on a barbed-wire fence while tobogganing in France.  I had to wear a heavy flow maxi-pad for a week.  (And that’s the closest I’ve ever been to a woman.)

5.  I was held at knife point at a McDonald’s drive-thru for sarcastically ordering a “Crappy Meal”.

4.  I held a pee in so long playing the drinking game Edward Forty Hands that urine sprayed out of my nipples.

3.  My mother adopted me from my grandmother.

2.  Thinking I had found the last morsel of food in my house, I once ate a lot of cat food.

-And Finally-

1.  A maniacal and murderous clown named Adam who lives in a brightly colored  school bus parked in a mountain meadow is stalking me via MySpace.  (My real name is Liz)

10 Reasons I’m Soooo Tired

Do you ever struggle to wake up and it stays with you all day?  Well, that’s me…everyday.  It may be due to a lack of sleep but I have a sneaking suspicion I’m tired for some of these reasons:

10. I’m kept up all night by the sound of the cat noshing bunny skulls.

9. The monster under my bed wants spare change and keeps rattling a can of nickels.

8. My wet dreams smell like curdled milk.

7. The wad of toilet paper that maximizes sweat and smell absorption stuffed between my butt cheeks is all itchy (it’s been referred to as a “manpon”).

6. Instead of dinner, I did some meth and drank a Camel Pak of Mountain Dew.

5. I am fraught with woes about the economy of my ant farm.  There just isn’t enough sugar water to go around.

4. My body is trying to work off the calories I consumed from eating all of these spiders that were looking for a warm place to die.

3. Peeing in the pool makes it warmer.  Peeing in the bed makes it wet.

2. My boogers are so dense and gooey that I can hardly breathe when I eat them.

-And Finally-

1. I am kept awake by loud farts…my loud farts.

 

Did I miss something?  Tell me some of the things that keep you awake.

10 Reasons: Life Lessons

I can only think of one way to ruin a baby's day

I have lived a full and gratifying life filled with lemonade and cherry pits.  As I approach a ripe old age in my life, I have been provided with valuable lessons that I need to share with you….now:

10. Douche bags are inside of pussies for one reason: they’re giant pricks.

9. Canned produce is just as bit as nutritious and delicious as hobo piss.  Do yourself a solid and buy fresh or frozen.

8. Challenge authority.

7. An open mind will set you free.  You’ll never hear a gay man say, “Hey, that doesn’t go there!”

6. Learning to cook feeds the soul’s desire to eat.

5. Own your smell.  Showering is for honorable men.

4. Ditch your values and friends to the highest bidder.  Selling out is the new buying in.

3. Best friends make the best lovers.

2. Whenever you can, jerk off your biggest sex toy; your mind.

– And Finally-

1. Once a rectal thermometer, always a rectal thermometer.

10 Reasons For Bus Stop Depression

Sure hope that bus gets here soon

 

 

I drive a car.  A fast car that flies.  When I’m pulled over by skycops and slow down enough to catch some of the street level action, I’m always forced to see the folks at the bus stop.  With the exception of a few retards, I’ve noticed everyone always looks miserable.  Here is a list of 10 reasons that I think fuel your bus stop depression:

 

10. It is certain that before the day is done,  you will sit in at least one piece of gum

9. No bench

8. No matter what, you are going to be late

7. People assume you’ve been hired to help the retard in the wheel chair next to you because he’s shouting profanities and smiling uncontrollably in your direction

6. Sitting at a bus stop is as frustrating as waiting for a bus.

5. An old man who has been hurling smut/needles/prophylactics at you, is taking off his shirt to show you his old wrinkly Navy tattoos

4. With all of the recent bad weather, your umbrella budget has depleted the money you’ve saved from riding the bus

3. Your clothes are soaked with foreign fluids and it stopped raining hours ago

2. You’d rather wait for the bus in your own car

1. You’re about to ride a bus