10 Reasons I Get Up In The Morning

“Chop wood naked”

There is seldom a time when I just pop out of bed.  The anticipation that most days will undoubtedly drag on with mindless chores and endless Charles In Charge reruns justifies at least a half dozen strikes of the snooze button.  Some days, however, have potential to be the best damn days I’ve ever seen.  When I was a kid, for example, I don’t think I was able to sleep a wink the night before Christmas and I’m a big, fat Jew.  I just love something about those elves…I think it’s what landed me on the federal child sex offender list (talk about a reason to get up…all those little minors).  Here is a list of ten other reasons that give me a rise in the morning:

10. Breakfast…Yeah, breakfast has it all and it’s absolutely worth getting up for.  Not only is it the most important meal of the day, it’s the meal that keeps on giving.  Typical breakfast fare (cereal, eggs, bacon, pizza, milk shakes) account for over ninety-two percent of my daily calorie intake.  The other eight percent…cat food sandwiches.

9. Cat’s Hungry…Tookie’s my cat and he get’s hungry for breakfast, too.  Unfortunately, in the animal kingdom there aren’t nice little cravings to remind you that you’re hungry.  What Tookie has are urges (usually for flesh).  He keeps what he kills, and today it’s Friskie’s.  Some days I just wish he’d learn to sharpen his claws opening cans of cat food instead of my face.  He’s a real cutie.

8. Internet Porn…It’s free of charge and as viscous as milk.  Internet porn (or pornography for art) changes so often, if you see the same video twice in your lifetime, well sir, that’s amazing.  The other thing that gets me jazzed before I get jizzed is that you never know when you’ll be hit with the urge to splurge. It’s usually when I’m at the mall or a day care.  Thank God for the 3G network.

7. Court Date…(see above)  Sucks.  Don’t even get me started on the parole hearings…who the hell is up before 10 in the A.M?  Lawyers, that’s what.

6.  Vacation…It’s worth getting out of bed in tropical paradise when the hotel room is hotter than a jungle and it’s as humid as the ocean.  Nothing says “seize the day and explore the world”  like swatting at mosquitoes the size of small owls in your room.

5.  Bachelor Party…Get up?  I never went to bed.   Besides, I can’t trust a bunch of dudes that get drunk, strip down to their dicks and ass, endlessly chant “chop wood naked”, and dance around an open fire pit.  I couldn’t make this stuff up.

4.  Halloween…It’s like a modern-day Christmas.  Free candy…check.  Ghosts and ghouls…check.  Slutty girls dressed in nothing…check and check.  Halloween Eve (or Hallow’s Eve Eve as the Christ lovers exult) is like waiting for your son to be born…so you can finally touch him (see above).

3.  Election Day…It’s the only day I know of that I get to choose which minority I sympathize with the most without giving money, the blacks or the retards.

2.  Beer…If I know I’m going to be drinking at any point during the day, you can bet your sweet, fat ass I’m waking up.  Put it in my coffee!

-And Finally-

1.  Work…I f*cking hate work.  I f*cking hate it!