Big Savings At The Mall Of America

This account of how I thwarted a terrorist plot to destroy the Mall of America was generated by voters just like you using my poll (located to the right).  Feel free to vote for next time…

I was shopping at the fifth floor, east wing Gap Outlet in the Mall of America last year when I told my life partner that I was sick of shopping.  She said we needed a break and suggested that we take a romantic ride on the Ferris wheel at one of the mall’s many fine amusement parks.  I agreed due to the fact that it wasn’t shopping.  As we waited in line, I couldn’t help overhearing a conversation between two bearded and toweled gentlemen standing in front of us.  Their conversation sounded very Arabicish and hateful.  I could tell something bad was about to go down due to the anti-Semitic tone, the angry amount of phlegm in their speech, and the mysteriously unmarked, black duffel one man was carrying.  Their brownish skin was also of interest.  As not to spoil the day shopping or come off as a racist profiler, I let my worries slide.  After all, I hadn’t taken or heard Arabic since my bar mitzvah meaning there was a good chance my translation was flawed.

My life partner decided she didn’t ride “big rides” and decided to let me ride alone.  I hopped on board a four-person gondola seated across from the men.  All of the passengers were loaded on and the Ferris wheel began for the ride of my life.  Unfortunately, my shopping sickness turned into motion sickness and I puked all over the Arabic men.  These guys were pissed despite having the lucky fortune of having brought their own towels.  They started shouting obscenities and making a ruckus as I tried my best to apologize in their native tongue.  I may have misspoken and said some rather insulting things. Instead of saying, “I’m so sorry,” I literally vomited again.

Upon witnessing this disturbance, the ride conductor stopped the wheel and escorted us off.  Mall security showed up just in time to assess the damage and realized that inside the mysterious black bag were a lot of explosives.  The cops showed up after that.  The men were arrested and sent to another mall ( probably in a more ghetto mall).  I later heard on the Minnesotan local news that the men were plotting to destroy the mall to prove a point about the evils of corporate American Jews and their capitalistic thievery.  I wish I would have known.  Aiding them would have surely ended my day shopping.