Increase In Gas Prices

"With our Juggies full and our gas real cheap, GallonMart's savings are yours to keep"

Well, the yeas have it!  According to a recent poll I cast last week, an overwhelming 67 percent of you wanted to hear about the increase in gas prices.  That’s more than half of the people who voted!  Can you believe it?  I can…’t.

Our incredible yet believable story begins where any true story begins; at a store.  This isn’t just any store, though.  This is the GallonMart off 104th.  In case you don’t know, the GallonMart is a warehouse superstore where all products are sold by the gallon.  It’s no Costco or Sam’s Club because it’s worse; free samples are in gallon increments and it’s always stuff you’d never consume like Pork Points and Lye Milk.  Management at the GallonMart has its employees empty prepackaged consumable items into recycled gallon jugs known as Juggies.  The store apparently saves money this way because of the huge savings offered from manufacturers for buying in bulk.

Although it’s not true, GallonMart also claims to have the largest assortment of crap in gallon form on the planet.  They are so proud of this fact, that their slogan reads: “If we don’t have it in a Juggie, we’ll send you to Mars.”  The slogan is then followed by a disclaimer that argues all claims of interplanetary travel will not hold up in a court of law.

However bizarre the store’s concept, it’s the business model  that’s really interesting.  Since GallonMart guarantees the lowest wholesale prices on obsolete items like Robert Milsap’s Malt Flavored Turkey Burst, Ibuprofiend Pain Reliever (highly addictive; popular with teenagers), and Red Bull Elephant Energy Drank, it has a difficult time meeting their projected profit margins.  Can you honestly tell me who in their right mind is going to buy a gallon of Elephant Drank?  Ech, gross!

To offset costs, however, they sell one product that people absolutely need: gasoline.  GallonMart has recently built a filling station.  They figure that people who actually stop in and shop are happy to fill up their cars with seemingly discounted gas.  Even though GallonMart’s marketing strategies would suggest otherwise, their gas is not discounted at all.

GallonMart’s gasoline prices are off the chart.  It averages fifteen cents more per gallon than that of the next highest purveyor of fuel.  What’s worse, is that the self-filling stations are vending machines stocked with Juggies full of gas.  Forget pumping your own gas.  As the customer, you’re expected to “Pour yourself an old one (they play the age of fossil fuels on the old adage ‘pour a cold one’)”.  Surprisingly, people are lining up around the block as a result of the unique filling methods and supposed convenience and reduced prices.  They feel it’s kitschy and fun.  And in order to recoup lost business, other gas stations are raising prices.

Hopefully, like most things, this is just a passing fad.  If it is not a fad, then this is my warning to you people: stop pouring your gas!  It’s expensive and wrong.  It’s costing this community a lot of money.  Additionally, you’re being lied to.  If you’re going to shop at GallonMart, please buy other essentials like Gallon-O-Tripe or Rubber Wash and stay away from the gas.  It’s watered down, anyway.

This message brought to you by the BBB (big bawling bitch).